"Welcome to Holland"

My reunion yesterday made me think once again about all of the ways in which my life might be different if Mom had never been diagnosed with breast cancer. At the very least, I've gotten to know a group of tremendously wonderful people I likely never would have met otherwise. That fact reminded me of the best description I've ever read of one example of dealing with life's unexpected gifts.

As I mentioned earlier, my beloved (and annoying and spunky and brilliant) sister has brought me the gift of perspective, just as my experience seeing Mom go through breast cancer also has. Although the words I'll share now deal specifically with the experience of living with a loved one who has Down Syndrome, I've always thought they could be applied more broadly, to finding the best in any unexpected curve ball life throws your way. These words were written in 1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley, whose son, Jason, was born with Down Syndrome.

"Welcome to Holland"
I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability--to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this . . .

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip--to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean, Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life, I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland, and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine, and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you never would have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around, and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy, and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say, "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.

But if you spend the rest of your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland.